I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
