I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
