Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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