o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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