She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
