I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
