non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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