Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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