Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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