dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is wine microwaveable?
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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