Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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