dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
