Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
