Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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