made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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