I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
