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Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You're like the curious george of whores
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Randomize
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