its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
