Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
