Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
