I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
