I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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