I can tuck mytits in my pants
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
