Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
