Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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