The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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