i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
