It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just blew my weed a kiss
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
