I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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