you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
