Can i not drive my cunt home
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
