Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
