So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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