I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
