...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
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Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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