They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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