U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I can text with my tongue
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
