I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
