You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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