We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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