It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
