Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
