i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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