when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
