i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
