I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
