You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
