WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
