Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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