I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
