I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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