Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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