so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
