dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
there is glitter all over my balls
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