Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
