Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
