I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
