So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
