i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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