so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
